Buckle up, because I’m about to take you on the ride of a lifetime—the thrilling journey of choosing your spouse! Now, you might be thinking, “Pop, how exciting can picking a spouse really be?” Let me tell you, it’s the biggest adventure you’ll ever embark on!

I’ve seen my fair share of love stories—the good, the bad, and the “yikes, what were they thinking?” But first things first—forget what you’ve heard about marriage being a never-ending struggle. Sure, it takes work, but so does anything worth having. However, let me be clear: it’s hard to have a good marriage if you choose the wrong spouse. I never experienced “hard” in my marriage because I chose the best.

First of all, assume that you’re going to screw up, and a lot.  And so will your spouse.  Now hopefully these aren’t moral character screw ups because if you are making them then shame on you.  You’re better than that. If your choose a spouse with those issues, then you aren’t watching closely enough.  You should know about this when you are dating then shut the door, and fast.  People with those issues don’t change.  They will say they will change but watch actions not words.  Anyway, on the non-moral character screw ups, you want someone who will unconditionally love you through it all and help you to get better at who you are.  Without this, it won’t work.  

One of the main questions to ask yourself is this: am I a better person because of the person I want to marry? If the answer is yes, that’s a good sign. If you are no better than you were without them, that raises some questions. But if that person tears you down and you aren’t as good with them as you are alone, then run like hell and start looking somewhere else! The character of a person rarely changes, so if they have serious character flaws, also run like hell.

As I write this, I’m in Madrid after a trip to Morocco. While in Marrakech, we had a guide who was a Berber—the indigenous people of North Africa. He was a kind and insightful man, and somehow, our conversation drifted to the topic of marriage. Curious, I asked him, “What makes a good spouse in your culture?” His answer surprised me. He said, “The best way to be a good spouse is to make yourself easy to love.” I had never heard it put that way before, but the simplicity and wisdom of his words stuck with me. Looking back on the kind of spouse I’ve been to your grandmother, I have to admit—“easy” isn’t the first word that comes to mind. But I learned something that day.

Shared values are essential. Imagine your relationship as a grand adventure, with you and your partner as co-captains of a ship. Your shared values are the compass that guides you through both calm seas and stormy weather. When your core beliefs about life, family, faith, and purpose align, you’re not just walking side by side—you’re moving toward the same horizon, hand in hand. This alignment keeps you on course even when life’s currents try to pull you off track.

Character is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Think of your potential partner’s character as a preview of the life you will build together. It’s revealed in small, seemingly insignificant moments—how they treat the waiter at a restaurant, their patience in traffic, their kindness to a stray animal, or their respect for their parents. Pay attention to how they handle stress, how they treat those who can’t benefit them, and how they take responsibility for their actions. Integrity, kindness, and responsibility will sustain your relationship through thick and thin.

Communication is key. Imagine finding someone with whom conversation flows like a never-ending river, meandering through topics both serious and silly. It’s not just about talking; it’s about feeling heard, understood, and valued. Can you share your wildest dreams and deepest fears without fear of judgment? Do you find yourselves losing track of time in conversation? Good communication is what helps you navigate conflicts, celebrate joys, and grow together.

Mutual respect is the solid foundation of a strong relationship. It means valuing each other’s opinions, even when you disagree, and supporting each other through weaknesses. Respect eliminates belittling, dismissing, or undermining. Instead, it fosters appreciation for what each person brings to the table. Mutual respect creates a safe space where both partners can grow, take risks, and be vulnerable.

Shared interests add excitement to your relationship. While you don’t need to be identical, having common ground creates opportunities for bonding, learning together, and making lasting memories. Maybe you both love hiking, or perhaps you’re both film buffs. These shared passions become the backdrop for your adventures. At the same time, maintaining separate interests allows for individual growth and fresh energy in your relationship.

Emotional maturity is the seatbelt that keeps you safely strapped in for life’s rollercoaster ride. Look for a partner who can acknowledge their emotions without being controlled by them, who can disagree without being disagreeable, and who can take responsibility for their actions without playing the blame game. Emotional maturity allows for a relationship where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, where challenges are met head-on as a team, and where personal growth is encouraged.

Lifestyle compatibility matters more than you might think. Your daily life is like a dance, and your partner’s rhythm should complement yours rather than create discord. Are you a night owl while they’re an early bird? Do you thrive on spontaneity while they prefer careful planning? Even small differences in money habits, cleanliness, or socializing can become major stressors. It’s important to create a shared lifestyle that accommodates both of your needs and desires.

Understanding each other’s family background is like reading the prologue to your relationship’s story. Our families shape us in countless ways, from values and communication styles to relationship expectations. Gaining insight into your partner’s family dynamics helps you navigate relationships with empathy and wisdom, turning potential challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper bonding.

Attraction is important, but it must go beyond the surface. That initial spark is what draws you in, but true attraction deepens over time as you discover new layers of each other. It’s about being drawn to their kindness, admiring their strength, and being captivated by their passion and intelligence. This kind of attraction sustains a relationship even when the initial rush fades.

A shared sense of humor makes life more enjoyable. It’s the inside jokes, the ability to laugh at life’s absurdities, and the knack for lifting each other’s spirits. A compatible sense of humor turns stressful days into moments of bonding and keeps the playful spark alive. If you can laugh together, you can get through anything.

Now, let me share some thoughts about your grandmother and me. We didn’t just stumble upon marital bliss—we cultivated it over the years, like master chefs perfecting a secret recipe. We’ve laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. Forgiveness isn’t just a one-time thing; it’s a daily choice, like choosing to eat your vegetables (but way more fun). We’ve supported each other’s dreams, even when they seemed crazy. We’ve given each other space to grow as individuals while growing closer as a couple.

And humor? Absolutely. Life will throw you curveballs, but if you can laugh together, you can get through anything. Nothing diffuses tension like a well-timed joke or a silly dance in the kitchen.

Remember, you’re not just looking for a perfect person (spoiler alert: they don’t exist!). You’re looking for someone who’s perfect for you—quirks and all (don’t confuse a quirk and a moral character issue as a quirk…they are different). Someone who will be your partner in crime, your cheerleader, and your best friend all rolled into one.

So as you set out on this thrilling journey of finding your life partner, keep your eyes open, your heart ready, and your sense of humor on high alert. The right person is out there, and when you find them, oh boy, what a ride it will be!

Ps: what if you are having a hard time finding this person?  As I write this online dating is all the rage.  Don’t fall for that trap. The best way to find people who you want to spend time with is to spend time doing what you love with people who like the same types of things.  Want an example or two? OK sure, if you like to run, join a running club rather than just run on your own.  Like to bike, same.  Like to paint, same.  Like to play music, get out of the garage and get involved at a music club.  Like church, get involved in small groups.  And do so not with the intention of finding your forever love, do it because you love the act of doing it.  Then you will surprise yourself by surrounding yourself with like-minded people and finding the spouse will take care of itself.